As much as I do my best to attune to this 'new way' and be 'holier than thou' and 'water my seeds' and 'polish my wings' ... there are just some days that really take the biscuit and nowhere within me am I able to find the positive side of a situation that may have just occurred.
Oh sure there will be one, but not of this earthly understanding apparently , which to be honest , doesn't help one jot at the time. As I calm down and the day unfolds and I begin to resume some sense of decorum once again knowing that what took place two hours earlier is now just a faint memory of the heart and no matter how much I want to 'give up' it simply isn't within me.
'Giving up' being very different from 'surrendering' I feel. I surrendered (or so i thought) a long time ago, and yet it seems I haven't quite mastered all these things that one is trying to overcome ... which leaves you feeling back at square one ... that inevitable game of snakes and ladders ... yet ... you simply cant 'stop the world when you want to get off'... so you have no choice but to continue on trying.
I watched a programme last night about a 'city' in Nigeria on top of a rubbish dump ... those people made the very most of the situation they found themselves in ... whereas , ashamed to say ... yes indeed 'ashamed' ... sometimes I spit the dummy with 'my lot' because I want somethings to change and they never seem to ! And yes I do all my affirmations till I can affirm no more ... I have a veritable ritual of affirmations ... and yes ... I know its about what vibration you come from whilst affirming ... and yes yes yes ... I KNOW many things ... yet ... here I am 'stuck' in the same ruts ... therefore finding myself doing affirmations on some of the very same predicaments that I was in years ago.Same old patterns that I am supposed to have let go of! You can play out the law of attraction till the cows come home ... you can ... blah blah blah!! Listen to me !!! Nag nag nag , moan moan moan ... yet sometimes, just sometimes I would like a breakthrough!!!
I don't feel I am asking for things out of my reach ... it just feels like the dangling carrot in front of me gets eaten before I have a chance to even sniff it ... and I don't know why. I asked God today what I was doing wrong? What bit hadn't I got? What was I missing? No answer came . Will I get that answer one day? Today would be a REALLY good day to get it ... and of course ... I already have it ... within ... but unfortunately today 'within' is closed for business!
Yes , I am venting ... not my usual way of doing a blog, and yet you see, I had set myself some targets for today ... doing a blog post was one of them ... and if I have to 'let this target go' along with other targets that have failed to have an outcome today I will REALLY feel like its time to get a proper job , although apparently I am unable to be employed even stacking shelves due to my age and qualifications. Hey Ho. Whats it all about Alfie ?? I bet he doesn't know either! And he's never around when you want him anyway!
Thing is ... I am laughing at myself ... Truly I am ... and thank God I am able to do that !!!! ... My gripes are so trivial in the big scheme of things ... They are so unimportant to me or anyone else as universal importance goes ... and yet when it comes down to it .... what happens to me in my day affects the entire universe depending on what energy I am giving out at any given moment ... so it is important that I get a grip, pick myself , dust myself off and start all over again ......which I shall ... but not today!!
This is possibly THEE most ridiculously boring pointless post I have ever posted ... of no positive benefit ... and yet if i don't post it that's another hour of my time wasted , blown away with the wind and leaving me feeling like I have achieved yet again the vast amount of NOTHING ... At least by posting it I can cross it off my list.
We are all human Beings trying our best ... I don't feel today my best is good enough ... But tomorrow ... it's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling good!
Oh Golden Rays everyone ... Golden Rays!!
Clearly I've decided to post this.
Laughing through it all ..