I decided to go to the fairground. Admission was free on the condition that you decided for yourself which ride to go on and when,and you were not permitted to be influenced by another. So, in I walked. The place was buzzing with life. So much so, that I lost connection with my senses for a while,and wasn't sure where to begin.I parked myself on a bench in order to regain some form of grounding ... to find where I belonged within this huge amusement park. People drifted by, some laughing, some chatting, some walking aimlessly alone. And I remained seated.I heard the squeal from those already partaking in their choices.I heard the whirring of the machines in the background of my mind, a constant reminder that all this was really just an illusion ... turn the machines off ... what is left ... a silence ... a stillness ... A reality that I once knew faintly jogged my memory and for a moment my heart burned with a yearning to return into that distant memory. It was jolted back into its physical self by the gesture of a young child showing me his balloon. I smiled ... my heart warmed ... the innocence of youth ... the child released the balloon, but instead of tears he giggled, watching as it flew into the winds of change, and disappeared on its own journey.
What ride would I embark upon first? What did I feel would compliment my state of Being? I saw some enter into the Haunted House ... funny how some get pleasure from ghosts and ghouls and scary dark corners. They squealed in fright ... just the same way as those who had chosen a different ride squealed in delight! Interesting I thought ... the choices we make to partake in ... the rides we decide to awake in.
And on the machines whirred. I passed a few stalls. All you had to do it seems was aim, throw, hit your target and low and behold ... your prize! I gave it a go and then another and another! How ever hard I tried I just couldn't seem to hit the bulls eye. And yet I was sure my aim was straight as an arrow. Ah well, I gave it a go. Interestingly, when I looked again at the well worn teddy ... the prize I had been so desperate to have ... I was rather glad my aim was a little off the mark. It made me remember the importance of making sure I know exactly what I want in every detail before diving in feet first and coming out with something I had not TRULY wanted in the first place. A something that the desire for ... was not actually what the soul wanted ... but perhaps what the ego wanted ...it was just wanting ... SOMETHING.
I viewed a few rides. I examined the consequences should I embark and then wish I hadn't. I would have to go the full circuit before I could get off. And what if I didn't like it? What if it scared me? What if it was too fast for me to handle? What if it was too slow and I tired of it? What if... what if ... what if ????
I went back to my bench. I felt safe there. Back to my security blanket. Home!.I decided it best to sit there and study for a time... take a look at what others were doing, how they were reacting. They seemed to be just 'Doing it', just 'Going for it'. How brave they were. What delight they seemed to be ingesting. If only I could .... but No ... I couldn't possibly do what they do ... after all ... I'm just me ... just me sitting on this bench not knowing which way to turn. What was I to do? Sit on the bench for ever? ... Watching the fairground live itself and not partake in the life it was offering me? Or I wonder if ... if I could really be brave ... I wonder if I too could become like the others ... just 'Going for it' ... So what if I got on a ride that was so scary I shut my eyes and prayed for it to end .... So what ? ... it would end ... and I could get off ... knowing that was an experience not to be repeated. At least I gave it a go and ... I learned from it.
And anyway ... I was beginning to get bored sitting on that bench. A stirring inside was urging me to move on. I stood up, not knowing in which direction to step, but I found myself just stepping anyway ... forward ... Somehow I was putting one foot in front of the other and getting somewhere ... and it didn't really matter where .. I was following a knowing within ME ... and yet the KNOWING was unknown!
Suddenly I was standing in front of a Ferris wheel ... the BIG WHEEL... THE BIGGEST!! ... GULP! Was I going to get on? ... GULP! ... All by myself .... GULP! ... I took a deep breath and once again the feet did the walking. I sat in the chair, locked myself in ... closed my eyes ... prayed silently for a smooth ride ... (and if it had to be a bit bumpy here and there, I asked whoever it is that listens to keep me safely strapped in and to never let me fall.) Funny ... I felt brave ... I felt an inner tingling as I asked for that protection ... as if just by taking those very steps toward the ride and making that decision ... a change had taken place within me. I felt alive ! I felt a part of the fair. I felt amongst it all. The machines would continue on...they would always be there. I could accept that. There will always be reminders of the fair ticking over. What was apparent was that I could choose to be sucked into its rocking motion,into its lulling sound, which I came to realise did not assist ... it merely dulled my senses. It was like a sudden flash of inspiration. Suddenly I got it! The machines will always be there, but I do not have to pay attention to them. I don't have to give them focus. I had discovered FREEDOM. Freedom of my soul to choose that which pleases ME. I grinned the biggest grin as The Biggest Wheel began to move. Up....Up... Up I went .... My Being was exhilarated. I felt a passion within me that had laid dormant for so long. All fear had gone ... And the best thing of all was that right at the very top ... I could see all around for miles ... what a position to be in ... and suddenly it stopped! There I was swinging in my chair at the very top of the ride .... was I going to go back to my old routine ... allowing the fear in ... was I ? Would I? I got a grip ... and suddenly a PEACE filled my Being ... as I realised ... the reason the wheel had stopped turning for a moment ... was to let somebody else on!
Love Light Laughter and Golden rays
Bloss. Happy Christmas everyone!.